Garbo's World

Well, actually... IKEA isn't that bad, at least not the second time around.  I went last week and it was like entering a new level of Hell that Dante himself couldn't have imagined on his worst day.  The employees were all so angry and rude they made Department of Motor Vehicles workers seem positively chipper by comparison.  Not to mention that every single one I ran into looked like Shirley from 'What's Happening' - so I wasn't about to point out their lack of manners and take a fist to the face.


"I don't care what the fucking website said!  The Expedite bookcase isn't in stock, bitch!"

But I went back today and got everything I needed except for that damn bookcase - so I'm five by five with the IKEA people.  Their customers?  Not so much.  Maybe it was the guy - who bore a creepy resemblence to Peter Lorre - who just stood next to me huffing instead of easily going around my cart and then dared to ask what MY problem was all psycho-ish.  I moved on before he started whistling and trolling for little kids.


"I like the IKEA kids section best."

Or maybe the endless Russian people - seriously, Brooklyn IKEA is like Little fucking Moscow - who against stereotype do not seem to know how to wait in line, and kept cutting in front of people and causing fights and mayhem.  There were three arguments on the returns line alone.  Just wait your damn turn.  It's not a like the line is for food or toilet paper, it's for crappy foreign furniture.  Relax already. 

Oh, and the cab driver who drove me home kept telling me how 'clean' I was and trying to touch my legs.  Ugh.  Don't even ask. 

All in all, I'm happy I got my stuff - but still sort of dread going back for that damn bookcase.

 

Susanna Hoffs looks AMAZING!!!!  She's 50 and still as gorgeous as she was 25 years ago.  More power to her - hope I look anywhere near that good at 50.  Also, 'The Allnighter' ruled. 

As did The Bangles cover of 'Hazy Shade Of Winter':

In honor of a piece of my childhood dying yesterday, here's my favorite Michael Jackson solo song. 


And my favorite Jackson Five song, which I still listen to all the time:


Rest in peace.

And he's been VERY BUSY apparently:







RIP Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett & Ed McMahon.  At least they'll be someone to talk to on line. 

I saw this in Rite Aid yesterday:




And it reminded me of this post - which sent me into giggles right there in the aisle.

This isn't really my story to tell, but it made me laugh so hard that I have to share it - hopefully no one will mind. 

So, this friend goes to stay at his father's house for a few weeks, even though he completely loathes his stepmother and has more than a few unresolved issues with dear old Dad as well.  He decides he's just going to regress completely and start as much trouble as possible during his stay.  (For the record, the parents totally deserve it.)  Of course, this ended in some great stories.  This one is my favorite:  

During his last few days there, he wrote a bunch of hilariously rude notes and hid them in odd places all over the house.  This way, his reign of terror would continue long after he'd gone home, and he'd get to giggle imagining his stepmother or father going into a cabinet or drawer and finding some anonymous note telling them they were emotionally weak or needed immediate therapy.  But on his last day, he had a change of heart - he'd worked some stuff out with his Dad, and he'd basically just dragged the guy over the coals for three weeks, so he decided to collect all the notes he'd hidden and throw them away.  For him, this was a major step.  So he wasn't expecting his father to call him a month later and ask, "Did you leave a piece of paper in the drawer that was just an outline of your hand giving the middle finger?" 

BWAH!!!  I fucking rolled.  I love this man.  I think he might be my soulmate.     

Rob Zombie is making a sequel to his FUCKING HORRIBLE 'Halloween' remake.  God help us all. 

For the section I'll now call 'Hilarious Random Crimes', we have our first entry.  The Bologna Bandit.  Maybe he was just really hungry.  It would explain why he punched him.  Hungry people are really angry.  I was a waitress once, I know.  Or else there's just nothing else to do in Oklahoma.  Probably a little of both.

ANGEL: THE COMPLETE SERIES - Look, I'm a huge 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' fan, but before a friend slipped me a copy of the Spike-tastic Season Five of 'Angel' last year, I don't think I'd ever seen one episode of the damn show.  Probably because Angel was one of my least liked 'Buffy' characters.  (I was definitely more of a Spike girl.)  I mean, Angel was hot(ish), but sooo boring.  Except when he lost his soul and turned evil, because I fricken loved Angelus.  It was the ONLY time he had a personality.  So I figured if they made him turn evil at least once a season, I could stand watching 'Angel'.

The plot goes like this - Angel is a vampire who was cursed by gypsies and given a soul to make him feel guilty about all the people he killed over the years.  So he basically just broods about that... ALL THE TIME.  Seriously, I think the gypsies gave him the soul of a fourteen year old girl - he's just no fun at all.  Oh, and if he ever experiences 'perfect happiness' he'll lose his soul and turn evil again, which actually happens a lot for a guy that's so mopey.  In an effort to atone for his past sins, he fights evil.  After the whole Buffy thing went bad, he decided to move to LA, where there's apparently an overflow of evil (no surprise), and open a demon detective agency.  No, I'm serious - that's the plot.  And you know what?  I liked it.  

Yes, it's borderline ridiculous most of the time, and I'm positive the writers were all complete potheads - but it made me laugh a lot.  Most of the laughs were probably unintentional, but whatever.  It just made the show more fun to watch.  It started getting really wacky and uneven (or rather MORE wacky and uneven) around Season Four (what I imagine was 'The Cronic' year for the 'Angel' writing staff - and considering what was going on over at 'Buffy' during that season, they should have sent some of it over to there), but it came back strong again in Season Five.  Thanks to Spike and a puppet.  I mean, they turned Angel into a PUPPET for crap's sake - that was worth all five seasons alone.  And hell, anything is better than 'Charmed'.

My favorite line of the entire series?  It was during the 'Billy' episode, when Wesley is possessed and tries to kill Fred.  At one point he says, "Fred, would you like to hear my theory?  It's about how stupid you are."  I laughed for like five minutes, I swear.  The delivery was beyond priceless.  

Christian Kane, who played Lindsay, flirted with me on the subway once - but I thought he was Julia Robert's husband so I completely blew him off.  I'm a jackass.  He was adorable.  Sorry, Christian.



I can't recommend watching all five seasons of 'Angel' in row like I did, because the side effects are kind of disturbing,  I've actually had a sex dream about David Boreanaz.  I may need medication. 

Oh, and the 'Angel' recaps at Television Without Pity are hilarious.  They complete me.

I think I love them, but I'll be almost 6'2 in them.  They are kind of hot, though.  What do you think?

So, they're making a movie about The Runaways, the 70's teen girl rock band most famous for the song 'Cherry Bomb' and launching Joan Jett, Lita Ford, and Cherie Currie on an unsuspecting world.  And apparently it's GOING THERE.  All the sex, drugs, and rock & roll - not to mention the rumors, fist fights, and breakdowns.  I think they got Michael Shannon to play their manager/tyrant Kim Foley - and that would be fucking amazing.  They also cast Kristen Stewart as Joan Jett, which isn't bad either.  She could pull it off, I think.  The one thing I have a bit of issue with is who they cast to play Cherie Currie.  Dakota Fucking Fanning.  And granted, she is fifteen now - the right age - and has the looks, but... Dakota Fanning?!?  In garter belts and corsets, having lesbian affairs and drug freak outs?  It worries me.  Because I've always been a HUGE Cherie fan - she was Annie in 'Foxes' for crap's sake! - and I want someone that does her justice.  Cherie is just badass.  Scream-singing in a white corset and garters at fifteen, forever changing how little girls saw female rock singers - she was dramatic, crazy, and unendingly cool.  If Dakota can pull it off, my hats off to her.  I'll believe it when I see it.

STAR TREK - It pretty much rocked.  It's a little bit 'Star Trek'...it's a little bit 'Star Wars' too - kind of like the Sci-fi version of an Osmond, only good.  My only bitch was that Uhura did nothing but kiss Spock.  Girls can wear the mini-skirts but they can't kick ass?  I had higher hopes for JJ Abrams than that.  Otherwise, I loved it. 

I'm not a big 'Star Trek' fan - in fact, any time I've ever tried to watch it on TV it was always the same fricken episode.  Where the crew are trapped on the planet where kids can't grow up.  I've seen that one like five fucking times.  Damn those grups!!  I figured the TV Gods were dead set against me becoming a 'Star Trek' fan, so I gave up.  Seems like I just missed William Shatner overacting a LOT.  Which is not a bad thing, per say.  So if the new movie horrified die-hard Trekkies, I have no clue.  As I said, not a fan.  I'm not a big Sci-Fi fan in general, though most of my exes were - including the one who obsessively read the 'Dune' books and was known to whisper "The spice!" when he thought no one was paying attention.  Um, so, yeah. 

Anyway, my favorite character was Spock, hands down.  I've loved Zach Quinto since he played Tori Spelling's gay best friend on 'So Notorious', so it's great to see him getting such great parts.  Spock kicked ass.  So did John Cho as Sulu.  (Damn, I mean - even Sulu got to kick ass!  While Uhura just sat around in go-go boots looking concerned.)  LOVED Simon Pegg as Scotty - his "I'm giving her all she's got, Captain!" made me cheer.  Sadly, Chris Pine does absolutely nothing for me.  He's as sexless as a Ken doll or James Marsden as far as I'm concerned.  Not to metion Eric Bana and his oddly-shaped ears as the head bad guy.  One of the funniest things I ever read online was some girl ripping on Eric Bana's ears - "I always thought he was hot, until I saw the ears - then I couldn't UNSEE them!"  Hee.  Girls are so fickle.



The time jumping plot is wackadacious, but it works.  By creating a new history they avoided any pesky superfan bitching, which was genius.  Me?  They could have said Spock hatched from an egg and I wouldn't have known the damn difference.  Bottom line - fan of the original series or not - the movie kicks ass.





DRAG ME TO HELL - Hee!  I had ZERO desire to see this movie until I heard Sam Raimi was directing it - and that he was going back to his 'Evil Dead' roots to do so.  You only have to mention 'Evil Dead 2' and I start giggling - I love that movie.  I don't think I've ever seen it sober, but that's not the point.  It's a movie MADE for drug use, like 'The Wall' or 'Sex & The City'.  Not to mention the absolute fucking brilliance of this and most definitely this.  I remember explaining to my tripping cohorts why I was laughing so hard - "That actor is beating the crap out of himself!"  Ah, Bruce Campbell, you rule.  So 'Drag Me To Hell' was immediately on top of my must-see list.

Alison Lohman plays a nicey-nice bank loan officer, who decides to be mean 'just this one time' and quickly lives to regret it.  You think after 'Thinner' all movie characters would know not to fuck with old gypsy women, but alas, it seems they don't.  After a drag-out, completely awesome fight with the one-eyed hag in her car, the curse is on.  Raimi finds lots of ways to add his own brand of gross, hilarious moments - an unfortunate staple here, a popped eyeball in the mouth there - but my favorite was definitely the Riverdancing demon.  You never know whether to laugh or scream - and that's what makes his horror flicks so much damn fun.  Glad he stepped off the 'Spiderman' gravy train long enough to do another one.  Worth the watch. 

I finally got my new laptop set up - YAAAAYYYYYY!    I am officially back online!  So expect that shitload of updates I promised.

Since I know a lot of my writer friends come here, and probably a few I'm not aware of - if anyone can recommend a good writing software, please do.  I write everything: novels, short stories, screenplays, plays, and poetry - so I need something that can be used for all of them.
Thanks!

I am so psyched I've got my laptop up and running.  It kicks ass.

I loved David Carradine, he was badass.  Rest in peace.

That said - can we please stop with the whole choking during sex/masturbation crap already?  Because sadly, it seems like that was the case here.  First the INXS guy, now Caine.  I don't get it.  I've actually had sex before, and at no point during it have I ever wished someone was choking me.  Go figure.  

I did have a guy once ask me to choke him during sex and I refused.  I think my exact words were: "Are you crazy?  I'm not paying attention to you - you'll be dead five minutes before I even notice."  Sad, but true.  

Since David is the uncle of one of our favorites here, Martha Plimpton, I'll be respectful enough to leave it at that.  But it seems like a really stupid way to go.  Couldn't you have just jerked off to some hotel porn instead?  


      

 

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   I finally ordered my new computer!  It's a kick ass Studio 17 laptop, but the best part is it's purple.  Because if anyone should own a purple laptop, it's me.  Well, me and Prince - but mostly me.  And it's a cool purple - not the odd burgundy it looks in the picture, more of a grape.  It was on sale today only and I had to spend an hour on the phone with some guy from Texas ordering it because I couldn't get the Dell website to work on my current shitty system.  Story of my life.  Still, worth every minute and every penny.

I've been in online exile for two months now - no Myspace, no Facebook, no Livejournal (tonight is a fluke that I got on at all), no gossip blogs, no shoe shopping, no sending emails - NOTHING!    Well, that's not true - I did buy shoes:



Because I MUST buy shoes.  We're talking survival, people. 

So if anyone is still coming here after nearly two months of silence, get ready for a shitload of updates. 


UPDATE:  Obviously the laptop is purple, but my last computer was so fucked up the color looked red.  Now, it's glorious purple.   Also, the shoes sucked ass.  I returned them.  Totally cheap looking - like they were cobbled together by blind people.   

Holy CRAPSKI.  I never watch the show 'Intervention' because junkies and drunks tend to depress the hell out of me, but I ended up watching an episode this week and it blew my fucking mind.  It focused on a girl named Brittany, who among other drugs was addicted to shooting up Dilaudid, and had the most fucked up backstory I've heard in a really long time.  And that's saying something.  Hell, it's a goddamn V.C. Andrews novel.    

It was great the way they played it on the show too - the big reveal - because at first they made it seem like Brittany was just this drug-addled, selfish kid who took all her parents money for drugs and did whatever she wanted.  I mean, they made her seem like this spoiled brat with a loving family who just acted like an asshole for no reason - so of course I was suspicious, because it's rarely just a 'bad seed' situation.  Lo and behold, they started talking to her mother and the whole sorted mess came pouring out.

It seems that before Brittany was born there was another daughter, Kerry, who was abducted and murdered by a pedophile.  The mother completely lost it - rightly so - and didn't snap out of her grief until she got pregnant with Brittany.  Then she was happy again.  Great ending to a terrible story, right?  WRONG.  At first the mother talks about how having Brittany was like Kerry coming back to her in a way - which is sweet - but quickly got scary as she went on and on about how Brittany was "Just like Kerry!"  And how it was like Kerry was alive again, and Kerry, Kerry, Kerry!  It was fucking CREEPY. 

Then they cut to poor Brittany, a really beautiful young girl, who is so wasted during the interview that she can't even keep her fucking eyes open - and she's saying how she always had to be Kerry.  That she couldn't handle always having to be Kerry.  HOLY SHIT.  

And to make matterss worse, not only did the whole family enable this lunatic mother and her Kerry delusions, they actually BLAMED Brittany for always 'getting away with murder'.  They were JEALOUS.  Oh, and did I mention that Brittany got molested at 12 by a relative and was too scared to tell her mother because of what happened to Kerry (!) - so she just kept it a secret and started doing lots of drugs.  Then she was gang raped by five guys while on drugs, a complete nightmare.  (To which her mother said, of course: "Just like Kerry probably was.")  So yeah, jealous siblings - it sounds like Brittany's life has just been one giant party.  What complete assholes.  And then there's dear old Mom, saying how Brittany can do anything she wants because God gave her another Kerry.  Ugh.  I mean, the woman could not talk about Brittany ONCE without mentioning Kerry.  And while I feel for her that she lost a daughter, you can't fuck your kid up that way.  You just can't.

Can you imagine having to live up to the memory of a dead girl your whole life?  Never knowing if they love you or just the dead girl you replaced?  They never let her create her own identity.   Everything was about Kerry.  That is so freaky and sad.  I cannot even comprehend the emotional damage this poor girl has been through.  And she's in her 20's now, so that damage is permanent.  Just watching it I was like, "Hell, if that was my life - I might be on drugs too."   Which is a first for me.  This whole episode was a first for me - because usually I'm on the family's side during interventions, but this time I was like "Get this poor girl away from those monsters!"  Because unless the mother gets SERIOUS therapy - the only way Brittany will ever survive and heal is to get far, far away from that house and try to figure out who SHE is.

Honestly, I wanted to smack the shit out of everyone in that family.  Everyone was so inside their own heads - so selfish - and no one saw what was happening to this girl because of it.  The whole thing upset me so much that I couldn't even watch the end of the episode - because if it said Brittany OD'ed or something I would have lost my mind.  I mean, this girl never had a fucking chance.  Of course I looked it up online afterwards, and it said she's in a program now and her mother is getting therapy for Post Traumatic Stress - which is about twenty fucking years too late, if you ask me.  I just hope someone gets Brittany into therapy, because she deserves to have a life of her own.  Not one just earmarked for Kerry. 

Dottie said she hopes Brittany goes to therapy and gets it together, then writes a book about her life and makes millions.  Because she should get something out of that fucked up situation - and not just a drug addiction. 

 - How adorkable the Canadian guy in the FreeCreditReport.com commercials is.  Great smile.  Might be worth living in my in-laws basement, working at a Renaissance Fair, and driving a crappy car. 

- How sick I am of those goddamn non-smoking ads with that woman missing her goddamn fingertips.  And they only run it every five goddamn minutes, so you know the one I'm talking about.   Talk about overkill.  I've seen it SO many times that my sympathy for her is like zero at this point, which is horrible, but there you go.  Now I actually smoke DURING the commercial in protest.  I mean, it's ALWAYS on.  And really, how many goddamn cigarettes do you have to smoke to lose your fingertips anyway?  A goddamn lot, I imagine.  Ever heard of hand soap, lady?  Or did you just lick your goddamn fingers every night?  I give up.  Goddamn it.
 
- How awesome 'Trouble The Water' was on HBO.  And how amazing Kimberly and Scott Roberts are.  How they helped so many people, even when they'd lost so much - and still had a kind word and smile for everyone they met.  Their spirit and faith is kind of inspiring.

- How sad I am that Dom Deluise died.  And Bea Arthur too. 

- How the swine flu seems to have sputtered and died like an old Ford.  Joe Biden must now take the subway to work every single day for the rest of his term.

- 'Intervention' - Brittney.  Holy shit.  That needs it's own entry, because it completely blew my mind.

It seems Gwyneth just put up a sort of blind item on her new website about a 'frenemy' she had - who wanted to 'destroy her', no less - and how when something bad happened to that person she was happy. 

As if that statement doesn't scream asshole all by itself, the funny thing is that everyone seems to think she's talking about Winona Ryder.  Her one time best buddy.  Except the die-hard rumor about how they fell out makes Gwyneth look more like the frenemy than Winona.  I heard it like this:  When Brad Pitt and Gwyneth broke off their engagement, Winona let Gwyneth stay at her NYC pad to 'work through her grief' and Gwyneth saw a script for 'Shakespeare In Love' - a project she knew Winona really wanted to do - and swiped it.  She lobbied for the part behind Winona's back and got it.  Then went on to win an undeserved Oscar for it.  Ouch. 

Look, all's fair in acting and war - but that's kind of shitty to do to a friend.  It's very 'Kelly tries out for Maggie The Cat behind Brenda's back' - but even Kelly didn't do it.  She may have stolen Dylan, but even she knew stealing a lead role was unforgivable.  (Sorry, I've been watching a lot of '90210' reruns on Soap.net lately.)  I just hope the rumor isn't true - otherwise Gwyneth calling her a frenemy is really sort of moronic and self-absorbed.  Kinda like... Gwyneth Paltrow herself.   

But since anyone I've ever heard use the term 'frenemy' only revealed themselves to be the actual shitty friend by the end of the story - I guess she's just keeping with tradition.  

Oh, and the other rumor about Gwyneth is that she used to badmouth other actresses to producers to keep herself in the top running for parts.  She sounds like a lovely girl.  Breeding, you know. 

Holy crap, did HBO's 'Grey Gardens' kick ass or what?  It was AMAZING.  If Drew Barrymore doesn't win every TV based award there is - hell, if BOTH of them don't - there is no damn justice in the world.  I knew Jessica Lange had it in her, but Drew Barrymore was a fucking revelation.  Look, I love Drew (and we've established that it's a crime against America not to) but after endless, increasingly lame romantic comedies - who the hell knew she had THAT performance in her?  It was brilliant.  Both of them were, frankly, but Drew really knocked it out of the park as Little Edie.  The movie itself is hilariously funny and heartbreakingly sad, and it stuck with me for days after I saw it.

For those not obsessed with cult movies - the original 'Grey Gardens' was a documentary in the 70's about the Beales, a recluse mother and daughter, both named Edie, who lived in a crumbling mansion called Grey Gardens on East Hampton.  They were relatives of Jackie O and quite 'reality-challenged' in the oddest and yet endearing ways.  Their fortune gone, they lived for years with no water or electricity as Grey Gardens fell apart around them.  Used to servants - and did I mention reality-challenged? - they let empty cat food cans pile to the ceiling and adopted the wild raccoons that roamed the halls eating garbage and the tons of crap just piled everywhere.  Jackie eventually bailed them out when the Health Department came calling, fixing up the house, but their cleaning habits never changed so it was falling apart again by the time the documentary was filmed a few years later.  But once you got past the disgusting surroundings, you were completely charmed by these two dotty broads who sang and argued and loved each other probably a little TOO much.  Some people thought the documentary was mocking and mean when it came out, but they loved it.  Yes, they were living in a world of glory days and grand delusions - but it was still their world, and they were happy there.     

The HBO movie tells the whole story - who they were back in their blue-blood prime and how they ended up two half-mad shut-ins in a falling to ruin mansion.  It's hard not to feel for Little Edie, with how her mother manipulated her into giving up her dreams, because she lived with the regret of it for so long.  Which is why I loved the ending.  It made me cry.  Just knowing that when Edie Sr. died, Little Edie finally got her own life.  A little crazier for it, perhaps - but that's life.  Hell, if I had to live alone with my mother for ONE year now I'd go batshit crazy, Little Edie did it for like twenty five.  She earned her life.

I cannot recommend the HBO movie enough.  I loved it.


** Edited because Livejournal sucks monkey privates.

 

 

LET THE RIGHT ONE IN - I loved this movie.  I can't even really explain why, because it was sort of slow and not your average vampire movie - but I still loved it.  I loved that it let the audience figure out the major points, it didn't spell everything out or make it easy to swallow - it just told the story.  Everything is seen through the eyes of Oskar, an adorable cherub of a boy with no friends and a group of bullies making his life miserable who meets his new neighbor, Eli, a mysterious little girl who just happens to be a vampire.  Their friendship is sweet and a little horrifying - both living as outcasts and surviving it the only way they can.  I loved that the adults were just surface characters, unwilling or unable to see the struggles of these kids who are basically on their own.  Because when you're a kid, adults only seem to complicate and ruin things, and this film really showed that in a great way.  It truly was a child's point of view, which is why it worked so well.  The ending is really bittersweet - considering that Oskar would most likely end up becoming Eli's handler, like the old man in the beginning, aging as she stayed twelve years old forever - but they would still be together.  Bittersweet or not - I loved it.