Garbo's World

Movies I've Seen...

2009-12-22T08:00:49Z

2012 - LOVED IT. Because I live for these movies. I do. It's no secret that 'Independence Day' is one of my all time favorite movies, because it's fall-down hilarious from beginning to end. The endless plot contrivances, the overblown "America, fuck yeah!" tone to it, and of course, new and interesting ways to destroy famous landmarks. What's not to love?  Since the same guys who made that cinematic masterpiece also made '2012' - I was pretty confident it would be just as awesomely craptastic. What's that, you say? A tidal wave hits the White House? Los Angeles falls into the ocean? John Cusack is playing 'random guy who saves humanity'? I'm there. Happily, I was not disappointed.

I mean, it's no 'Independence Day' - but few things are.

That hot guy from 'Serenity' and Jimi Mistry play environmental scientists who discover the world will end in 2012, when solar flares destroy the Earth's magnetic structure and cause all kinds of CGI enhanced mayhem. They tell this theory to President Danny Glover (who is too old for this shit), and a mustache-twirlingly evil Oliver Platt, playing the proto-type 'Bad Government Guy' who uses the end of humanity to make a buck. Ah, the American way. This makes sense because money will matter not at all when the world ends, and if he really plans to survive it, I think learning to deep sea fish might be a better use of his time.  Or maybe taking that 'Cannabalism 101' class at the local community college. Because VISA will not be where you are, my friend.

Only problem is, the 2012 theory is wrong. Fucking Mayans! Turns out the world is going to end a lot sooner than they think - like, Tuesday!   Oops!

Meanwhile, BadDad John Cusack is taking his neglected children to Yellowstone Park for the weekend, where he meets a crazy Woody Harrelson (that's redundant, but whatever) who plays a conspiracy theory radio host and tells him about the world ending. Like any sane person, John Cusack gets as far away from Woody Harrelson as possible.  But when parts of Los Angeles start falling in, he starts thinking Woody might be onto something after all.  He decides to save his ex, Amanda Peet (who must be thrilled she has a hit after being labeled the Ted McGinley of movies), his kids, and Amanda's new boyfriend. Thus begins the silliest - and yet oddly awesome - escape scene in history. We're talking a speeding car with the road collapsing directly behind it, then a small plane with the runway collapsing directly behind it, while buildings and elevated highways tumble down and whole slabs of the city lift like the Titanic and slip into the ocean. As ridiculous as this 'environmental chase scene' is, I must admit, the destruction on Los Angeles looked pretty fucking rad. And I hate CGI.

Luckily, the plot gives us nothing but cheesy delight - and various hilarious Global Death Scenes ensue. In the second (and nowhere near last) 'Titanic' reference - hot scientist's father is playing in a cruise ship jazz duo (with George Segal?!?) and after a big speech about staying with his partner at the end, he is instead all alone on the lido deck, having climbed over the rail to face the coming tidal wave head-on.  ("Never let go, Rose!") Then there's poor President Danny Glover, who has decided to go down with the ship (hehe) in DC, and gets a toppling Washington Monument right on top of him. Amazingly, he survives this - just in time to see a tidal wave with a stray aircraft carrier bobbing on top coming right at him. Mission Accomplished. Still, somehow our rag-tag group of Cusack-ian losers get themselves all the way to fucking CHINA and find the dock where various superpower countries have built ARKS (!) to survive the tidal waves. These ARKS (!) are only for a small group of people - the hot, the smart, and the rich. So, the survivors of the apocalypse are basically Kim Kardasian, Bill Gates, and Donald Trump.  Um, I think I'll stay behind. I want no part of that future gene pool.

What's so great about '2012' is that it's like someone sat down and wrote a screenplay with every bad cliche imaginable and then expected people to take it seriously. Apart from the things already mentioned, there's: the bad father determined to save the family he all but ignored before, the saintly 'good guy' scientist horrified to discover the government doesn't actually care about the people, various foreign characters who exist only to save the Americans (They don't even get subtitles! Because we only care when Americans are in danger!), the inevitable painful death of the poor guy keeping the two lead characters from reuniting (then the forgetting of said guy five minutes later), and of course, the loud control room cheering after something goes horribly wrong and is fixed at the last possible second by a random nobody who's willing to sacrifice himself in order to save humanity.

There's also a dog. Because there's always a dog. You can watch millions of people die horrible deaths, but it's okay as long as the dog gets out alive. It's the ultimate humanity barometer. Cheer the destruction of major cities all you want - but If you don't root for that fucking dog, you're dead inside.  You might as well just become a florist already. You're done.

Still, when the ARK (!) busts loose and nearly hits ~~an iceberg~~ Mt. Everest, the hilariously blatant 'Titanic' rip-offs were wearing thin even for me.  Not to mention if John Cusack and his rag-tag bunch of losers hadn't tried to illegally sneak on the ARK (!) and caused the thing that went horribly wrong - he wouldn't have had to risk his life to undo it.  Are you really a hero when you're the guy who fucked everything up in the first place?  I'm thinking... NO.

'2012' is cheesy, overblown, and beyond silly - but I loved every minute of it. Sue me.
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That's Way Harsh, Tai...

2009-12-21T04:43:35Z

RIP, Brittany Murphy. That sucks. I hate when the talented ones go young. While her career may have floundered a bit in the last few years, you only have to watch 'Girl, Interrupted' to be reminded of what a great actress she was. And she was. Between Angelina Jolie's vicious Lisa and Brittany's awesome and heartbreaking Daisy - poor Winona Ryder didn't stand a fucking chance.

Even during her extended foray into Romantic Comedy Hell - she was always the best thing about her movies. You couldn't help but like her. I've been a fan since 'Clueless' and always rooted for her. This makes me sad.

Rest in peace, girl. .

Movies I've Seen... Part 1 (Edited)

2009-12-14T23:59:59Z

TAKEN - Holy crapski, this movie ROCKED. Liam Neeson is so fricken badass. Yes, that's right, Liam Neeson. Badass. He plays an ex-CIA operative whose daughter gets abducted by a white slavery ring in Paris - and he spends the entire movie BEATING THE FUCK out of everyone he encounters while trying to get her back. And it's good. Really good. Honestly, if you'd have asked me to see this in the theater I probably would have laughed, because I'm a total snob about action movies, but now I can't wait to watch it again. The plot, the pacing, the fight scenes - everything works. If all action movies were made like this, I might actually become a fan.

On Demand that shit right now.

NEW MOON - Jesus. Don't even ASK why I watched this, but I did, so my pain is your pain.

*HOLY SHIT* I actually gave 'New Moon' a full write up? I... can't. It was terrible. I regret giving it so much space. It's not even mockable. I had to delete it to save whatever dignity I have left. I'm sorry. Truly.
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"This Is How I Cry Now!"

2009-12-08T05:01:48Z

Tina Fey for the win. Thursday night's episode of '30 Rock' was beyond hilarious. Here's a bit:

I love that Pete is a naked old man in HD. And Kenneth is a muppet. Like HD shows who you are inside. So much awesome.

I hate HD. I find it so distracting. I first movie I ever saw in HD was 'The Cooler', and I spent the entire time obsessing over Maria Bello's skin. It completely took me out of the movie. And if someone as beautiful as Maria Bello can look like she has the Moon's surface on her face in HD - I'd probably look something like The Elephant Man in lipstick. HD is evil.

It's just UNNEEDED technology, people. It isn't like picture was bad before - we weren't watching those old silent movies from the 20's that looked like they were filmed through a glob of Vaseline - the definition was FINE. Now, all I see is bad skin. So, thanks.

'30 Rock' rules.
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Movies I've Seen...

2009-11-30T12:34:04Z

BRIDE WARS - I can't say exactly why I cued this one up On Demand, only that I was in the throes of PMS and apparently wanted to punish myself. It's the cinematic equivalent of cutting, really. (I just wanted to feel something!) And considering there was an unwatched copy of 'Inglorious Basterds' on my mantle and a 'Snapped' marathon playing on Oxygen, I can only see my choice to watch 'Bride Wars' as a massive cry for help. Which sadly, I did not get.

I'll admit the movie is watchable - a feat in itself, since everyone in it is unlikable - but trust me, no one is feeling good about themselves afterwards. The plot goes that Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway are life-long best friends who get engaged at the same time, and both have always wanted a perfect June wedding at The Plaza, but there's this crazy mix-up and...

Jesus, I can't do it. I cannot pretend for one second that I give a rat's ass about June weddings or The Plaza or any of the stupid things this moronic movie was about. I'm so not that girl. For me to EVER be that girl would probably require a severe head trauma of some sort. And it would have to be the 'Regarding Henry' type where you have no memory recall and have to relearn everything from scratch. Then, maybe if some mean-hearted nurse slipped me a copy of 'Bride Wars' while I was practicing my ABC's in crayon - well, I might like it. But I'd also like pudding. And shiny things.

OBSESSED - Honestly, it's all about the Beyonce head butt (at 1:30). That's the price of admission, people. The rest is just filler. But it's hilarious filler, and based entirely in the ridiculous. Idris Elba plays a random guy married to Beyonce, who gets a hot Ali Larter as his new office temp. Ali, of course, gets one of those insane crush/obsessions on him - the kind of which you only see in movies like this, where it's based on absolutely nothing and even though she is completely normal in every other way, deep down she's really a psycho. Or maybe not so deep down, because she gets psycho pretty much immediately - there's hardly any 'getting to know you before I stalk you' time at all. At least in 'Fatal Attraction' the married guy actually had an affair with the psycho, but in 'Obsessed' we're supposed to believe that crazy bitch Ali is so nuts that she doesn't even need the contact. She'll just imagine it and pop up in her underwear every now and then to say hi. Except, she's completely normal in every other way. Unless we're supposed to assume that anyone temping past 22 is mentally disturbed - which, while there might be something to that in theory, just isn't enough. Instead of giving her any backstory at all, they just make her the cartoonish 'crazy lady who ruins men's lives for no reason'. Lord knows there's tons of those floating around, right?

I was just waiting for the inevitable shot of crazy Ali's apartment, where I was sure there would be strobe lights, old wedding cake and gnawed-on dead cats sharing space with her endless supply of designer clothes and shoes. Sadly, it never happened - but I bet it's on the DVD extras. Because it's just that kind of movie.

It actually reminded me of the much better Lifetime TV movie 'Obsessed' with Jenna Elfman, which has basically the same plot except Jenna was super-duper psycho and would FLIP OUT whenever she was alone with the guy, then act completely normal in front of other people. She was like the human Michigan J. Frog - so everyone thought the guy was nuts, not her. It was kind of awesome. But eventually her own uncontrollable crazy screwed her up and it was all over. But at least Jenna got some backstory to explain her crazy.

This 'Obsessed' is silly and mostly ridiculous, but still fun. I can think of worse things to watch when you're bored. Like 'Bride Wars'.
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I Called That One...

2009-11-28T13:20:01Z

As soon as I heard about Tiger Woods getting into a 'car accident' and his wife 'saving him' by smashing the window with a golf club, the first thing out of my mouth was: "Wasn't he just in the tabloids for cheating on his wife? I bet she was chasing him with that golf club, not trying to save him."

Lo and behold:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/abraham/detail??blogid=95&entry_id=52492

How awesome is it that she chased him with a golf club, though? That rocks. While I don't agree with spousal abuse in any form, you've got to admit, that's pretty funny. Hitting him with his talent. Like Steffi Graff beating Andre Agassi with a tennis racket. Or Fergie hitting Josh Duhamel with nothing.

And who is this unknown woman ruining marriages all over Hollywood? First she spills on an affair with David Boreanaz, and now Tiger Woods? Who else is this chick screwing? Because you KNOW there's someone else. Probably more than one. Probably just as randomly famous. She's like Mistress to the (Kinda Dull) Stars. I predict that her inevitable tell-all memoir, I'm With The Bland, will go on to detail boring affairs with Jim Belushi, Chris Klein, and that guy from Sugar Ray. Just wait.
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Things I'm Thankful For...

2009-11-28T08:26:00Z

That no matter how gorgeous he is, or how famous he gets, Alexander Skarsgard STILL insists on taking the most hilariously dorky pictures ever. I love it.

Is he aware that this is an entertainment magazine and not a JC Penney catalog? Honestly, I can't even include him in my 'When Photo Shoots Go Wrong' posts anymore, because there are just too many of them out there. It's adorable, but kind of like having a crush on Screech. An insanely hot Screech, but still.

Luckily, he took a few more and got it right:

(the pics are from alexskarsgard.net - they make my days a little brighter.)

Dayum.

Hope everyone had a great Turkey Day!!!!!!

#1 Reason To Be Happy With Your Adopted Parents...

2009-11-23T21:56:26Z

Adoption is a great thing, but comes with one sad drawback. Because at some point every adopted kid thinks about tracking down their birth parents - either to get answers, medical info, or just simply to know who made them. Sometimes this works out great, but other times, not so much.

Like this poor guy.

You don't ever want to find out that Charles Manson is your birth father. You just don't.
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Must Have Been While You Were Kissing Me...

2009-11-18T03:32:24Z

I stumbled into the obligatory Meatloaf selection on Dottie's iPod today, because really, who doesn't own at least one copy of 'Bat Out Of Hell'? It's only one of the greatest albums ever made. A true rock and roll classic, and right up there with pimples and pubic hair as part of everyone's teen experience past 1977. Chances are you've drunkenly sang along to 'Paradise By The Dashboard Light' in a dive bar at some point in your life. Everyone has. It's a rite of passage.

The issue for me is that the first few million times I listened to 'Bat Out Of Hell' as a kid, it was via my older sister's vinyl record, which was warped and scratched to shit, so all the songs skipped like mad. But those early listens are so deeply ingrained in my head that whenever I hear those songs (even 20+ years later), I still account for the skips in my head. I remember exactly where they would be in each song and expect them, every time.

And oddly, I'm always a little sad when they don't happen. Because on some level, that's the real version to me.
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Nobody Wants A Charlie In The Box...

2009-11-12T06:31:08Z

I love and hate the new Verizon Wireless commercial. I hate it because it's just another example of pimping our childhood nostalgia in order to sell phones that give you brain tumors. But I love it because it's the Misfit Toys. And the Misfit Toys rock.

It's funny, because Dottie was JUST talking about 'Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer' and how fucked up it was. Because Santa Claus is a total prick in it. Not only is he distasteful of poor Rudolph from birth, rudely pointing out his 'physical deformity' to his father, Donner - but later, after Donner shames Rudolph into wearing a fake nose and it falls off, Santa laughs at him in front of everyone! It was beyond harsh. I'd hate to see how Santa treated the truly disabled reindeer - he probably just drowned them and used their pelts for a coat. Because it isn't until that foggy Christmas Eve, when Santa finally has a selfish use for the little freak, that he treats him with any dignity at all. Suddenly he's all "That wonderful nose!" after shaming him like The North Pole Precious his whole life. And instead of rightly telling him to go fuck himself and the sleigh he rode in on, sweet Rudolph decides to save Christmas. In your face, fat man! I know the whole point of it was to accept others, and see how our differences make us special - but it was kind of disappointing to see that Santa hadn't yet learned the life lesson of tolerance. Because if anyone should have the whole 'be kind to others' thing down, it's fucking Santa Claus. How did he get that job, anyway? Not to mention he banished the Misfit Toys to an island. Don't even get me started on that.

I never left that bastard cookies again.

Movies I've Seen...

2009-11-10T04:54:30Z

THE X-FILES: I WANT TO BELIEVE - I want to believe that after nearly ten years they could come up with a better plot than the one in this mess of a movie. Crazy Russian doctors playing God? How... current. They could have been Nazi's from how topical it was. Such a stupid 80's-era Cold War plot that I half expected to see Mulder and Scully playing Atari and drinking Buzz Cola. Are Russians bad again? Have we gone THAT retro? Is it acceptable to yell "Wolverines!" again? (Wow, guess so.) First stretch pants, now the Cold War. Is there no end?

Not to mention, the movie wasn't scary or creepy (or interesting) in the least. What a waste. 'The X-Files' was such a great show - at first, anyway. Then, well... Annabeth Gish. But back in it's Mulder/Scully heyday, that show ROCKED. So if they had to make a stand alone movie (thankfully free of that show-killing alien plot) - why on earth would they pick this story? Ay, carumba.

There were ZERO comic moments, nary a giggle, but a GODDAMN TON of "I love you, therefore I can never be with you." moments between Mulder and Scully. And frankly, no one wants to see that. The best part was their big kiss at the end - because it's no secret Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny outright loathed each other by the end of the series, so it's sort of like watching this scene all over again. All pursed lips and 'get away from me' body language. Because neither of them is THAT good of an actor. So, I take it back, there was ONE funny moment.

But damn - even the lamest 'X-Files' episodes were still fun. My personal favorite was 'Jose Chung's From Outer Space' but there were COUNTLESS other great episodes - some scary, some funny, and some just bizarre. Where was the creativity? The cool twists? Not in this movie, that's for sure. Which is why it bombed so hard at the box office, I guess.

The truth is out there - and apparently, it sucks.

Soft-Core: The Other White Meat...

2009-11-10T03:14:25Z

So, I'm watching 'Cleavagefield' and it's actually kind of awesome. As in, awesomely BAD. If you can get past the extended (and ridiculous) opening girl-on-girl action - consisting of two bored-looking women dancing aimlessly against eachother to entertain party guests while two not-so-attractive girls cavort in a bedroom - because it's basically the worst lesbian scene ever.  A turn-off really. But since I'm neither a lesbian nor a horny guy, I'm not exactly the demographic they're playing to. Maybe to those groups lesbian action is like pizza - even when it's bad, it's still good. If so, enjoy.  Because my only reaction to it consisted of, "Hey, I have that bra."

See, for me it's only as good as the monster. And this is what came around the corner:

It's Dino after a lifetime of cigarettes! That's hilarious.  As is most of the dialogue. Because nothing beats 'dumb whore banter' in my book.  In keeping with the original 'Cloverfield' theme, the camera keeps cutting back to old footage - not of an adorable new couple on a happy Coney Island day date - but rather, various lesbian romps at a beach resort. Aw, keepsakes. How sweet. Bet their vacation slides aren't boring. "And here's when we had a three-way at the Washington Monument!"

Soft-core movies are always hilarious to me, though.  (Even the really bad ones, not just the cult classics like 'Hardbodies' or 'H.O.T.S.'.) The Skinemax ones are definitely good for a chuckle or two, and I used to mock them with my acting friend Jerry on a regular basis. We'd crack up over the bad acting, bad dialogue, and oh-so-unfortunate camera angles - then try to figure out if they were actually having sex or just faking it. With soft-core it's always a toss-up. The faking was our favorite, because it was SO fake that it bordered on ridiculous. "He's still got his pants on!" we'd yell in frustration, "And he's two feet away from her!" There's nothing funnier than some guy pounding away at air with a big fake 'O' face on. "Do you think he practiced that in the mirror?" I'd ask. "No way, that's some serious sense-memory he's doing." Jerry would chastise, "Don't belittle it."

But when it was obvious they were really having sex, we'd just sigh and say, "Method actors."

We even had our favorite soft-core actors, mostly guys, because they were always the funniest. Since the same actors tend populate all of those movies, we were able to see the full range of their talent through an array of complex characters. Our favorite played a (horny) bartender, a (horny) police detective, a (horny) scientist, and a (horny) cowboy.  We loved him because he always had The Angry Sex Face.  All soft-core actors tend to use one of three fake sex faces - The Pensive, where they look like they're doing long division in their head the whole time, The Aw Shucks, where they look profoundly surprised that they're having sex at all, and our favorite: The Angry Sex Face, where they look like you just called their mother a horrible name and they're going to make you pay for it - with their penis.

But regardless of how funny soft-core movies are, you usually end up turning them off after fifteen or twenty minutes anway, because the human brain can only handle so much stupid. Which is the case with 'Cleavagefield', I'm afraid. I'd wager the only people that can watch a soft-core movie all the way through are the same ones that could finish a Ring Pop as a kid.  Me? I just don't have that kind of patience.

Loser Of The Week...

2009-11-06T04:36:06Z

Boy, that Josh Duhamel has a type, doesn't he? I think it's called 'Meth-faced Stripper'. Which would explain both Fergie and his latest conquest, Edie Falco in a bikini.

He can't act worth a damn, but apparently he can perform. It seems a whole slew of chicks are now saying he's cheated on Fergie with them, too. They haven't even been married a year yet.

Congrats, Fergie! You're so lucky!

The Boombalotti Playlist...

2009-11-05T07:42:55Z

When Miss Dottie Boombalotti gave me her old iPod this summer in an effort to update me from my rickety portable CD player, I was a little apprehensive. I wasn't about to spend a fortune buying songs for it, and dreaded the process of downloading my CD's to it, but I was also intrigued. Mostly because it was still filled with all of Dottie's songs.

Now, Dottie and I have an insane amount of things in common, and for the most part our tastes are very similar, if not exact. Except for music. Not that I don't like her music, because outside of her inexplicable love of The Dave Matthews Band, it's all good. She's very Janis Joplin-y, with a bit of reggae/funk thrown in there too. And while I like that stuff, I probably wouldn't buy it for myself.

Anyway, I decided to listen to Dottie's playlist for a bit - just set it on shuffle and be completely surprised by whatever came on. I wasn't interested in the random Pink Floyd and Zepplin songs, because those are a staple of any collection, what I wanted to hear were the odd choices. The songs I'd never expect.

And I got them.

I was walking in the East Village when 'Stray Cat Strut' cued up, the first happy shock. On the train I had to force myself not to dance to 'Thunderkiss '65' - because that's still my favorite song to dance to for some reason. Especially if I'm wearing high boots, because it's just a go-go boot kind of song.  But not one I'd ever expect Dottie to have on her iPod. Then I stumbled onto Motley Crue's Greatest Hits and found myself singing along to 'Home Sweet Home' and giggling madly. "Tonight! Toniiiiight! I'm on my way..."    So cheesy and great. I was at the DWS on 14th Street (which for me is the equivalent of an 8th Avenue peepshow) when 'All The Things She Said' came on. Wait, Dottie was a closet T.a.T.u. fan? THAT was a shock.  Also, I love that song. Yesterday it was 'Only Time Will Tell' that made me laugh outloud. But tonight? Tonight was the best yet. I was sitting on the train, tired and bored, when suddenly this song came on and perked me right up:

"But if you lose, the Devil gets your soul!"

That is ALL KINDS of awesome. 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia' was my 2nd favorite song as a kid. It was right behind 'Bad To The Bone' in my pre-teen heart. I cannot express how happy I was to hear it out of nowhere.

Bottom line? Dottie rocks.

But my playlist would definitely need some Aerosmith. That's all I'm saying.

And Everything Changed...

2009-11-05T05:56:01Z

'Mad Men' was just out of control this week. It covered the Kennedy Assassination, as it was bound to being set in November 1963, but what struck me was how well it was done. It was all about the characters reactions to the event, not about exploiting it, and for the whole hour I don't think they showed one image of John Kennedy. (They had to show Oswald, because his death was live on TV and I'm sure quite a shock to see in the middle of the day back in 1963. It also prompted a major character to make a seemingly bad decision, so it was needed. Oh, Betty.) The footage they did show, the newsmen of the era and their heartbroken reactions to losing a loved President so violently, was really powerful. I felt the dread, the sadness, the shock. Well done.

When I was a little kid, a big thing among the parents was where they were when Kennedy was shot. We kids felt left out, boring - we had no Pearl Harbor, like our grandparents, or major political assassinations like our parents - it seemed like nothing important was ever going to happen during our lifetime. Nothing as big as that, anyway.

Reagan shot. The Challenger explosion. John Lennon. The L.A. Riots. Princess Diana. JFK Jr. Columbine. No small potatoes. Then, of course, 9/11. The biggest potato ever. So far. Then came Madrid, London, and numerous other things no one would have ever imagined. Tsunamis. New Orleans underwater. History just keeps coming. And repeating. We've got Iraq, which while hardly Vietnam (no draft, hippies, or insane amount of deaths), is almost worse because we actually started it. We've got Civil Rights marches (just a different wrongly oppressed party this time), and now, we've even got our own Depression. Didn't we learn ANY lessons? Seriously. What's next? If a new Nazi Party forms and comes looking for Jews, I'm so OUT.

Kind of makes you long for the boring days.

You Can Pick Your Nose... (Edited*)

2009-11-03T06:30:35Z

Poor Lindsay Lohan. No, really. That father of hers? Jesus. Granted, she's a walking hot mess, but his fake concern in the press is beyond horrible. How do I know it's fake, you ask? I mean, Lindsay is obviously a drug addict, and sinking fast, so he's not just whistling Dixie about that. I want to grab the girl and send her to rehab myself, and I'm not even a relative. So, yes, on some level I imagine he is genuinely afraid for her safety and health - but the fact that he's doing all this 'reaching out' through the press just reeks of self-promotion. Not to mention, if he truly cared about his daughter, or as seems more important to him, her career - he wouldn't be screaming about her drug use from the mountains. That isn't exactly going to help her get a job, Dad. Or fix her image.

And maybe, just MAYBE - having a loser fuck-up for a father and a party girl wanna-be for a mother is part of the reason she's ON drugs. Maybe being a family meal ticket with zero boundaries kind of fucked her up. You think? Maybe the best thing you could do for her is to get your own fucking identity, stop making your living off of her fame, and start acting like a real goddamn parent for once.  (This could be directed at either parent, actually.)  Think about it.

I would flip the fuck out if my father was out there trying to milk off my fame. Seriously. I feel for her. What a douchebag.

But - you can't pick your family.  And when you get famous, all those bad qualities or hidden histories start sneaking out. Case in point:

I love Leighton Meester. And no, I don't watch 'Gossip Girl'. I've certainly seen her in other things, she's been floating around TV as a guest player for years. She consistantly rocks. And from what I have seen of 'Gossip Girl', it certainly isn't Blake Lively's acting keeping anyone around. I think I liked Leighton even more when her whole sorted family history came out in the press and she didn't bat an eye. Which is awesome on so many levels. Especially in this 'PR image' day and age. She simply said she loved them very much and left it at that. But honestly, what did SHE do wrong? Nothing.  And by not giving in to the scandal of it by issuing statements and denials, the whole story blew over in a week. Who cares?

I think the big difference is when someone's family actually courts the press. I remember Demi Moore's mother posing for skin mags done up like Demi in 'Ghost'. Jesus. That's bad. At least Lindsay doesn't have to deal with that. Yet. Or Jennifer Aniston's mother giving interviews to TV gossip shows and writing a book about how unfair Jennifer was to get mad about it, as if Mom deserved her moment in the sun. Or rather, her daughter's sun.

It's simple fact, if you get famous, your uglies go public. Reach a certain level of celebrity and there's nothing they won't uncover about you or your family. When I was acting, Dottie and I would always joke about the family damage control I'd have to do if I ever got famous. We knew all the weak links in my family, the stupid or vindictive people that would definitely invite "that nice man from The National Enquirer" in for coffee and completely fuck up my career.  But really, what can you do? That was the one advantage Old Hollywood actors had, the studio would completely fake their bios, erasing anything sordid or boring and literally creating a new person, a star. Like Theda Bara, the exotic silent film bombshell they claimed was 'born under the Sphinx' to wild, bohemian artists, but was actually the daughter of Bernie Goodman, a Jewish tailor from Ohio.  Still, once she got super famous, the truth came out. It always does.

My advice to Lindsay? GET OFF DRUGS.  You had a really promising career and you fucked it up.  You look deathly ill.  It used to be fun, but now it's owning you. Get it together. Once you do, tell your parents to go fuck themselves. You've earned it. But seriously, first, get off drugs.

*I edited because I used the term 'sorted family history' and it probably should have said 'sordid family history' - but when I looked it up, one definition of 'sorted' was "possessing the desired recreational drugs" - so turns out I was right the first time.

Halloween Stuff...

2009-11-01T05:39:34Z

The one thing I hate about my neighborhood, or just about living in NYC in general on Halloween, is that I don't get any trick or treaters. When I was a kid we went door-to-door, ringing doorbells and buzzers, but in my neighborhood the kids don't go into the buildings at all (even if they live there), they just hit all the small stores on the avenue and get candy from the storeowners.  (Tonight I even saw them giving out fortune cookies at the Chinese Food take-out place, which... lame.) Still, I've bought some form of candy every year, just so on the odd chance that someone does ring my doorbell I won't be reduced to giving them pennies like the little old ladies when I was a kid. Then when no one comes I'm left with a bag of mini Kit Kat bars that I inevitably eat myself, thus leaving me both disappointed AND fat.  I guess I understand, though. It is NYC. I certainly wouldn't trust some random person in a New York City apartment building to give my kids candy. Some of these people are fucking crazy, bro. I personally have three male neighbors that could be straight out of a serial killer documentary - we're talking scary mustaches and horn-rimmed glasses, the kind of guys that say hello to you at the mailbox and you want to take a shower afterwards.  There's no way in hell I'm ever ringing their doorbells - forget taking anything ingestible from them.  Yet, when I was a kid you went door-to-door for everything. On Halloween, selling cookies in Girl Scouts, or just one those candy bar/wrapping paper deals for school - and no one ever thought anything of it. These days, sending your kid to a stranger's door seems completely insane. Especially in this city. Anyway, the point is, I'm currently gorging myself on mini Kit Kat bars. So there.

Dottie and I were talking about our childhood trick or treat experiences, and being city kids - a suburban city, anyway - for us it was all about apartment buildings, taking the elevator to the top floor and working your way down. That's the great thing about living in buildings, you would get an amazing haul.  Pillow cases, by the way, were the only way to go as far as candy bags.  A nice size and strong enough to fill. When I was really young I had one of those plastic pumpkins, but they filled up way too quickly - and the Halloween-themed plastic bags with handles are just a mess, because the handles would ALWAYS rip off somehow and you'd just end up going home and getting a pillow case anyway. Mostly we remembered the community feeling of trick or treating - total strangers giving you candy, and the random tips and warnings from the other kids, "Full sized Snickers bars in 2B!" or "Don't go to 4H, they're giving out popcorn balls." Ugh, the homemade stuff. What a waste. You were never allowed to eat it, and it just took up much needed space in your pillow case. The aforementioned pennies were always lame too, but if there were a lot of old people in any set of buildings, you could make well over a dollar by night's end. To buy more candy. Then there were the booty drops - stopping at home to unload a full bag of candy and then going back out for more. Finally your mother would tell you to come home and you'd sit and divide up your candy - all the chocolate stuff in one pile, the lollipops or Smarties or anything non chocolate in another, the dumpables (anything home wrapped, fruit, the dreaded candy corn, etc.), and finally, the small change. If you were with your friends or had siblings you traded off the stuff you didn't like, promised your parents to only eat a little bit before bed, and then stuffed yourself silly. Sometimes until you puked. Ah, good times.

Another great thing about Halloween was Mischief Night - the night before Halloween when you'd gather a mass of eggs and shaving cream and get into wars with other kids until you were covered from head to toe in muck. I mean, covered. We'd always end up molding our hair into mohawks or spikes, it was so thoroughly coated in egg and shaving cream.  The whole night was about survival - sneaking down dark streets like assassins, trying to spot potential threats around every corner, never knowing when the attack was coming or where. Car attacks were always the worst, because you were a sitting duck. There was always that one asshole who hard-boiled his eggs and you'd end up with a big purple bruise somewhere on your body the next day from where they'd chucked it at you. Then there were the pranks. Those could get ugly. One year a friend of mine who hated his stepfather (for really good reason) got a bunch of guys to flip his stepfather's old 70's Beetle, thinking how great it would be to see his face when he came out in the morning and saw that his car was completely upside down. Turns out, the dome roof of a 70's Beetle is really thin, so when they flipped it the whole thing caved in and all the windows blew out. Oops. I've never seen people run away so fast in my life, it was kind of awesome. But as I said, the guy was a complete asshole, so no one really felt all that bad about it. We were true juvenile delinquents, and totally proud of it - for one night, at least.

A Halloween Tradition...

2009-10-31T01:35:10Z

What I'll be watching at midnight:

SUSPIRIA - My annual Halloween screening. It never gets old.

Happy Halloween, peeps!!!

Let's See...

2009-10-30T04:21:07Z

Am I scared of the thing that EATS the thing that scares me most? HELL YES!!!!

I am never swimming again.

Because I'm Retarded...

2009-10-26T04:53:10Z

I can't stop singing the theme song to 'The Garry Shandling Show' today. Curse you, Randy Newman!!!!

Definitely one of the best TV theme songs ever.

Movies I've Seen...

2009-10-26T04:29:29Z

I've had a psycho cold that will NOT GO AWAY, but managed to see a few flicks anyway.

JENNIFER'S BODY - Hands down, best line? "My tit." I fucking rolled. Oh, and Megan Fox is gorgeous. Way gorgeous. Can't say I found the movie to be the greatest ever, but it was enjoyable. Mostly for Adam Brody's unflinching Brandon Flowers imitation. And don't you dare say that wasn't exactly who he was playing, because it totally was. I was turned off a bit by all the 'cutesy' lines, they actually took more away from the film than they added, and the whole thing was kind of muddled and dark, which isn't always a bad thing, but definitely worked against the story this time. The plot itself was good - popular high school girl Jennifer goes to see a band play at the local dive bar, which quickly catches fire (a bad taste play on that whole Great White tragedy). She ends up in a van with the band, who decide to sacrifice her to the devil for a record contract. Unfortunately, Jennifer is no virgin so instead of killing her, the ritual possesses her with a hungry demon she can only feed by eating people. Mostly boys. The only person who knows Jennifer is killing people is her best friend Needy, who vows to stop her. While I loved the 'girl politics' angle - the dominant friend having complete control over the nicer one - I still felt like something was really off about the whole movie. The only thing I could put my finger on was that it was trying to be sincere and 'too cool for school' at the same time, and it just caused a major disconnect with the viewer. Either you want us to care or you don't - and 'Jennifer's Body' didn't seem like it could make up it's mind which it wanted. I think that's really where the cutesy dialogue worked against it. Mixing horror and comedy is a very fine line, go too far on one and it's really easy to lose the balance, which is what happened here. But as far as being a simple guilty pleasure movie, it worked. That said, my favorite part was the band singing '867-5309' before they sacrificed Jennifer. That was hilarious. All in all, it wasn't a great movie, but it wasn't terrible either - it was watchable. I still think Amanda Seyfried is going to be a huge star, and her parts in the mental hospital only cemented it for me. She's definitely one to watch.

ZOMBIELAND - This movie was just fun. No serious plot, no scares worth mentioning, just fun. Woody Harrelson has pretty much trademarked his 'badass' character at this point, so there were really no surprises there, and all the other actors were basically just carrying their weight. Loved the surprise cameo, which I won't give away for those who haven't seen it yet, and overall I just liked it a lot. The whole zombie thing is completely played out by now, but if I had to see one more movie about them, I'm glad it was one that didn't take itself too seriously. Oh, and I LOVE Emma Stone. Love her. I would love to see her matched up with Kat Dennings in something (besides 'The House Bunny' which was truly AWFUL) - because they are my two favorite young actresses. The plot of 'Zombieland' - as if it matters - is that a zombie plague (brought on by a tainted hamburger) has wiped out nearly all of the world, leaving only a few survivors to treck around the country looking for that fabled 'safe zone'. There's not a lot more to it, and that's fine. It never tries to be a 'message movie', thank god. It's just fun. And that's enough.

NEO NED - Man, Jeremy Renner is fucking amazing. Even in this piss poor excuse for an indie film. Get this plot: Ned is a neo-nazi in a mental institution who meets a black girl (Gabrielle Union) who thinks she's Hitler and falls for her. At some point the whole Hitler thing just *poof* disappears from the plot without reason, but no matter - you're too busy watching Jeremy Renner OWN the film to care. Playing a dumb, lonely guy who isn't at all sure who he is or what he believes, Jeremy Renner is so on in every scene it just amazes me that he's not hugely famous yet. With 'The Hurt Locker' he's certainly getting there, though. I usually wouldn't review a movie this random, but his performance was so above the material that I had to mention it. Ned kind of breaks your heart, even while he annoys the fuck out of you. To make a character so unlikable into someone kind of lovable is a major feat, and he played it perfectly. I can't wait for him to be a huge star. The guy is something to see, that's for sure.

God, I hate reviewing movies I like. It's so damn boring. I need to see something crappy so I can get my funny on.

Jill Scott Is Amazing...

2009-10-19T22:22:53Z

This chick can do it all. She acts (well), she sings (well), she writes (also well) and she overcame a fucked up, poor childhood to achieve all of it. I love her positive attitude and her kick ass soul. She's inspiring.

After they covered her song on 'Glee' last week, I remembered that I've always liked her and started reading about her a bit more, and I have to say, I'm impressed as hell. Take a lesson, people. Even when the odds are stacked against you, if you believe in yourself and never give up - you can do and achieve anything you want in this world.

I usually post the 'Glee' covers, but this time I think I'll stick with the real thing:

When Photo Shoots Go Wrong... Part 4

2009-10-18T05:51:42Z

Now sparkle, bitch! Sparkle!

I'm Trying To Decide...

2009-10-16T09:29:47Z

Which of Quinn's evil nicknames for Rachel has made me laugh the hardest:

"Man Hands"
"RuPaul"
"Treasure Trail"
"Stubbles"

Hmm.... I've got to give it up for "Man Hands". Yes, I know it originated on 'Seinfeld' (Yay, Kristen Bauer!), but hearing it said to a poor high school girl out of nowhere is pretty hilarious.  "Treasure Trail" was pretty choice, too.

Also, Sue Sylvester was on a goddamn ROLL this week:

"I don't trust a man with curly hair. I can't help but picture little birds laying sulfurous eggs in there, and it disgusts me."

"Santana. Wheels. Gay kid. Asian. Other Asian. Aretha. And Shaft." - picking out minority students for 'Sue's Kids'

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND the 'Glee' hate online.

If it's just not your thing, fine. But reading all the crazy comments on Jezebel the other day just gave me a headache.  The characters are all overblown soap opera stereotypes because it's a goddamn satire. So, that's kind of THE POINT. Jesus. How could anyone take the characters on 'Glee' seriously in any way?  Or actually debate the representation of their respective minorities? It's a SPOOF, people. Not everything on TV needs to mean something - sometimes it's just FUNNY.

It's as silly to me as saying you hate 'Reno 911' because it doesn't portray police officers realistically.  It's called humor, look into it.

This Made Me Laugh...

2009-10-16T07:53:25Z

Tommy posted THIS link on Twitter, and it pretty much made my night.